Good Morning and Blessings to Everyone!
As I have said before I always went to church and enjoyed doing so but one thing that confused my parents was my desire to learn all I could about every religion I heard about. They used to tell me it was a sin to go into other churches and pray if they were not Catholic Churches but that made no sense to me. I was always taught God was everywhere so if that were true how could he be upset if I went and prayed to him in a Baptist Church instead of Catholic Church, as long as I prayed to him? After my conversation with my Great Grandmother at the age of seven I decided I needed to and wanted to know more about what was out there. I wanted to understand all there was to understand about God and the angels as well as the world we go to when we leave this one. I wanted to find out what made "their God," different than "My God," a Catholic God.
So I started to study any and all books I could find on the subject. At the age of eight I received my First Holy Communion with some of the most amazing young nuns you would ever want to know. They taught me to listen and to learn from what is going on around me. I had told one of the nuns I had that year about the visions I get and those who visit me when I am awake and in my dreams. It felt good to talk to someone about it. To my surprise she didn't call my mother and tell her I was going crazy. Instead she told me to come to the convent after services and she would call my mother to tell her I was there. She didn't want them to worry or get me in trouble. Sister Francis was a very beautiful woman. We often wondered why someone so beautiful would become a nun and being only eight years old I tended to ask questions the adults only talked about amongst themselves not realizing the kids were in earshot. So I asked her what made her become a nun since there must have been a lot of young men who thought she was beautiful. That was probably the question that had her ask me to the convent the fist time. I thought I was in big trouble after all I wasn't being called to the Principal's office, I was being called to her home!
When I got to the convent I was amazed to see all the mirrors in the house were covered. I, of course, being the inquisitive youngster asked why. Sister France, Reverend Mother, and Sister Ann Louise asked me to have a seat so we could talk. I should have been shaking in my shoes but they were smiling so nicely I knew I wasn't in any trouble. "The mirrors are covered because we do not look on our image, or see our own beauty, that would be vain and not what God would want from us at all. Do you understand?" Sister Francis asked me. Then went on to explain what vain meant so I got a better understanding of why they did this. "Toni I asked you here because of the question you asked me in Church this morning." Sister Francis said. I apologized for being rude. "No, you asked a question that deserves an answer. I became a nun because I was called here. Much like the way you see your "friends" and hear them talk to you, I heard God call to me to come and do his work. Do you understand," my eyes must have brightened up as I sat straight up in the chair and told them I understood completely. "So you can hear them too?" I asked with excitement and the three of them laughed with me. I was so excited because these nuns, who went to church every day not just on Sundays were a lot like me. I didn't ask them but I was wondering if their parents made them become nuns because they thought they need to apologize to God for the gifts they had since they probably didn't understand their daughters were gift.
They wanted me to continue to come to the convent and work with them. They wanted to help me study and learn not just about God but about spirituality, the angels, and where we go when we leave this world. They were far ahead of their time. I never told anyone about the things we talked about but one thing Reverend Mother said to me was, "Child you are blessed, from you dreams about Christ, to your visions of those who have loved you and moved on. There is no reason to be afraid but there is a reason to educate yourself." I remember her bringing me a cookie and a glass of milk then returning to her seat saying, "In time you will know why you have been blessed so young and your gifts will grow, just listen to the angels when they call you." I went every week to the convent to sit and talk to the nuns. To discuss the books I read and to learn all I could from them. Even when I was in high school I continued to seek refuge at the convent. It was a place of peace and tranquility. There I could think and feel as if I was not all that strange.My friends often teased me about going there but it didn't bother me, I knew who I was and why I needed to be there.
I was seventeen years old when I lost my Great Grandmother. If I hadn't had the nuns to turn to I would have felt as if I lost everyone who understood me. Of course over the years things had changed at the convent. St. Francis was now Reverend Mother, Reverend Mother I knew at seven had been moved to another parish as was Sister Ann Louise, but it still felt the same. By now I knew I had more gifts than the sight, I knew I felt every ones energy around me. I could feel when they were angry, happy, sad, and at times these feelings made me sick to my stomach. I had no idea how to control it when it first hit me. I was eleven years old when God blessed me as an empath. I was always sick to my stomach, pains I could not explain, nor could the doctors. The thought I was eating something I wasn't supposed perhaps allergic to so they tested me and nothing came up. They figured if that wasn't it then it must be gastric so now into the hospital I go for one horrifying test after another. They told my parents I had a nervous stomach and wanted to medicate me. My mother opted for help from Great Grandma and to change my diet. A nice cup of Chamomile tea and bland food was what Mom came up with. It worked, since Great Grandma was teaching me how to cope with the energies I am gathering up during the day. That woman was amazing. She liked the idea I read alot and often had me read to her in the garden. She also liked the idea I went to the convent and learned all I could. The books back then weren't as in dept as they are today and if they were out there trust me, my parents would have freaked if I brought in a book about Spirituality, Wicca or the Craft. Yes, they all knew Great Grandma helped others but they weren't willing to see her for what she was, a Strega and she didn't walk around with a "Yes I am a Strega," button her black shawl.
When she passed away I thought I had lost her forever, I felt lost and alone for the first time in a long time but it didn't last for long. About two weeks after she passed away, I was sitting quietly in my room listening to my music doing my homework still very sad and lost. I was finding it hard to concentrate these days and nothing made sense to me. Maria Terese was a great woman who helped people the way God wanted her too. Why was she told to return home yet others that do bad things were still here. I know she was ninety seven years old but no matter how old they are you never feel as if they are here long enough. On this night, I discovered I could hear them and not necessarily see them. Just before I went to bed laying there not sure I wanted to pray or not, I heard a whisper in my ear, "Se si stava ascoltando mi avresti sentito," translation, "If you were listening, you would have heard me." I felt a peacefulness all around me. I sat straight up in bed asking the voice I was hearing in my head if it was, in fact, my Great Grandmother. I was told, "Hai bisogno di imparare a non mettere in discussione e di accettare i vostri doni. È necessario utilizzare loro come sono stati concepiti per essere utilizzati," translation, "You need to learn not to question and to accept your gifts. You need to use them as they were meant to be used." I settled back down knowing she was with me when she said, "Sono sempre stato con te, non ho mai lasciato," translation, "I have always been with you, I never left."
Needless to say this was a bad year for me in high school. I was getting sick more and more due to the stress I was feeling at the loss of my Great Grandmother. Once again I find myself in the hospital and once again they rule it to be my nerves. This time they put me on medication that will help me physically but do me harm spiritually. I stopped seeing, stopped hearing and most of all I stopped feeling. I felt as if I was a zombie. I felt isolated and alone since now I got no more visits and I didn't hear or even feel those of the other realm especially Maria Terese. It didn't take me long to figure out the medication was doing me more harm than good and I slowly stopped it. I knew how to take care of me I just had to get my head on straight and realize that no matter what I will never be alone. I had God, the angels, all those who passed on before me and most importantly my Great Grandmother by my side. Life goes on and if we are lucky they will visit us from time to time. We need to remember they will always be there for us. To this day readers tell me of the old woman all dressed in black with the name Maria or Teresa always being with me. I know she is, especially when I am working on a tea for someone to help whatever is that is making them ill. I know she is there because she is guiding my hand every step of the way., still teaching me what I need to know.
Dealing with Loss
Into our lives people come and go,
They teach us and help us grow,
The knowledge they get to share with us,
Is an added bonus a plus,
For each day we get with them,
The Sun sparkles bright as a gem,
The angels guide us with their wings,
To listen and learn the knowledge they bring,
For these people who bless our day,
Were sent to share knowledge along the way,
To help us along our path,
So we don't battle a spiritual wrath,
Ignoring the gifts sent our way,
Then feeling sick day after day,
They teach us to open our hearts and mind,
To welcome these gifts to do not decline,
And open a world of Spiritual beauty,
Where God calls us to do our duty,
To help those who are in need,
Then move on and proceed,
To listen and do as we are told,
And as we grow new gifts unfold,
And those who have shared this space with us,
Are taken home on a Spiritual Bus,
Never far from us we know,
From the other realm they still help us grow,
Reaching out we feel them near,
Still teaching us, calming our fear,
Assuring us we are never alone,
Proud of how much we have grown,
Helping us adjust to our loss,
Assuring us again our paths will cross,
With this knowledge we feel at peace,
And our frustration and despair will cease.
To be Continued!
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