Empathetic Part 2

Good Morning and Blessings Everyone!

I promised I would talk to you today about when the doctors thought I had Social Anxiety Disorder. About ten years ago I was going through some pretty touch times. I have always known I was empathetic but I at this time in my life, I wasn't able to get a grip on all that was going on around me. I was surrounded by negativity in my house, my friends, my family, you name it, it was there. Of course I was absorbing it all like a sponge, unable to rinse it out. 

I started to want to go back inside myself to hide away within me, where I knew I would not only be safe but I would be able to re-charge myself as well. I would do this by going into a quick deep meditation. I actually would give a warning to my family that I was about to do this by saying, "I am going to go home." I did this so they didn't worry when I didn't respond to them of course that didn't work they worried anyway. Once I made my announcement you were no longer able to get me to respond to you, even though I could hear every word being said. You see I heard what was being said around me and I would answer who ever it was talking to me but only in my mind. The words never escaped my lips. I was in a state in which I felt safe and comfortable. I was in my own zone. Growing up I did this quite often. It is how I balanced myself out. As I got older I realized I didn't need to hide I just needed to come to terms with all that was going on around me.  At this point and time in my life, ten years ago, there was just too much going on around me. I could no longer do this, I couldn't get it back under control, the emotions were ruling the way I thought, felt, and reacted to things around me. I handled this by "going away," as I put it, going deep inside myself to try to balance out. When I came out of it I always felt more relaxed, more able to handle all the garbage being thrown at me. 

Unfortunately this feeling of control didn't last long. I started doing things like shaking my legs up and down while I was sitting watching television, a constant nervous jiggle. I couldn't sit still. Then it got to where I would also rock back and forth while jiggling my legs. It was annoying to a lot of people to say the least. But I couldn't stop it if I wanted to. Truthfully I wasn't even aware I was doing it not until someone would come by and put their hand on my shoulder gently alerting me to the fact I was doing that once again. I always felt as if I needed to apologize for being in this state so I would say, "I'm sorry." Actually I felt like I owed them this apology for not being able to handle what was going on around me. I was their mother, the wife, the pillar, I was supposed to be able to handle whatever came my way, to protect them at all costs. I was the buffer, I kept the junk out of the house but I wasn't doing it. My mind wasn't where it needed to be.

Next I started doing something they call pilling. What I did was start rolling my fingers together as if I was rolling a small piece of paper into a ball using the thumb and forefinger. I did this with both hands at the same time while I rocked back and forth jiggling my legs. Talk about multitasking! I would do this for hours on end. Of course it was time to take me to a doctor whether I liked it or not. Of course one look at me and she thought I was headed for a nervous break down. So first order of business, of course, was medication. I have to admit at that time in my life I needed something to bring me down. To help me focus on who I was. Even to help block out all that was being tossed my way. Medication was not a bad idea. So I took the medication prescribed and slowly I came back to being me. Back to being able to figure things out put it all in the right file and figure out what to do next. I did this for a little over a year. 

One day I was sitting in my living room just going over things in my mind trying to connect with my guides when I realized I don't have anymore visitors. No matter how hard I tried I wasn't connecting. I missed that. I missed my guides and my visitors in the night. I needed to get them back. I didn't need the negativity but I also didn't need what this medication seemed to be doing to me. For one thing it blocked everything that came my way. I was no longer opened to it but on a medical level it did more than that. Yes it kept me calm, serine, but if I did get upset for any reason the side effect just wasn't worth it. Whenever I got upset I suddenly had seizures. There are now medications I can't take such as muscle relaxers for fear of having a seizure. It was found the medication I was on was causing these seizures. I never had a seizure in my life. So now I am re-evaluating all of this, I can not spiritually hear, or see, my gifts are all blocked from me and a an added special I now have seizures. The outcome was, yes the doctor and medication helped me so I wasn't so stressed out from what was going on in my life but I wasn't me. 

I didn't say anything to anyone including my family and I slowing started taking note of what was going on around me and what I felt or didn't feel. Imagine my surprise when I figured out I actually felt nothing. I wasn't upset if someone I loved was sick, I just handled it, went through the motions. I didn't worry if something wasn't going right, I just handled it! I didn't laugh the way I normally did, I just existed. Now I had to figure out what to do. I did my research and found out you couldn't just come off the meds you had to do it right. I slowly started cutting back my medication. I slowly weaned myself off without saying anything to anyone including the doctor. I admit it's not the smartest thing to do so please do not follow in my footsteps. Next I stopped going to counseling because I got tired of hearing how I needed to get out more. How I needed to be around people, people I don't know not just my family and friends. I needed to conquer my Social Anxiety Disorder. The way they said it made me own it. I didn't own it and I knew that. I was told the ball was in my court, no one was doing this, nothing else was doing this to me. It was all my fault. So since this was the way they saw it, I figured it was also my obligation to myself to take control and set me free. 

After sitting down and thinking this all through I realized the doctor wasn't far off. This was all caused because of me. Because I was not taking charge and handling the mess that was going on around me. I forgot the basics of going into a crowd, of protecting myself, even from those I knew. I thought hey I got this. I got over confident and I was wrong! Because of this I suffered, even my family did. When I came off the medication slowly coming back to myself, I came back enlightened, a Lesson learned. As for my gifts, they came back to me as if the flood gates had been opened. Stronger than ever, I am not saying the medication made them stronger by no means. I am saying I realized that was what was happening to me before the medication. That was why I had all the confusion, anxiety, and feeling of being overwhelmed. I didn't know how to handle the changes going on around me. I didn't realize I had stepped up my gifts. If I had I would seek out help to help me understand what I was going through. If I had taken the time to zone in, to listen to the messages being sent to me I would have realized the changes I was going through. I would have realized the ball was in my court, I needed to take control. 

What I needed to do was talk to them. I needed to tell them if you are going to increase my seeing at this time please do not increase my hearing right now. Give me some time to adjust one gift at a time. If you don't communicate with them then there is no way they can understand what you, as a human, are going through. One step at a time, get used to what I am seeing, then introduce the increase in hearing. Once used to that, perhaps the increase of feeling. Baby steps one at a time. Something along this order. I needed to communicate with my guides. I needed to let them know what would work for me so I didn't become so overwhelmed. These weren't knew gifts I was receiving but an increase in the gifts I already have. My visions were stronger, they were more vivid, the hearing more acute, the feelings stronger more intense. 

When I stopped the medication I was on and came out of the funk it had me in I first noticed my feelings coming back stronger than ever. This is when I asked, "Please all my Angels and Saints guide me. Do not let me get lost or bombarded by these new feelings. Help me to appreciate the gifts that I have. Help me to understand what I am going through so I can help others. That's my goal in life to help others. my life purpose." Slowly my feelings came back and they increased to a level I had never been out before. I could sense, I could feel, it felt so good to have that part of me, back. Next I started seeing. Slowly at first. They introduced it to me the way I asked, nice and slow until it got a lot stronger. With the strength came the sound, came the hearing until that grew to an all new high for me. The only thing that stopped all this from happening before was me. I blocked me, I stopped me, no one else did that. I didn't have Social Anxiety Disorder but I allowed myself to be treated for it. For me it wasn't a bad thing because it helped me to realize that was not who I am. I like hearing, I liked seeing, I like feeling what others feel what they need. I like understanding them for who they are. Helping them understand what they feel and what they want, and what their needs may be. That is what I am here for. 

I hope that my story opens some eyes and gives you a chance to explore who you are. Don't refuse your medication, take it, I did. Find out how it makes you feel. Sometimes we all need a little bit of help. It doesn't mean it is going to be you for the rest of your life. You may just need some help, I did and I am not ashamed to admit it. I needed to figure out how to balance this all out. Do I still get socially anxious? Yes I do. I definitely feel sometime like I want to run from a room. I feel like I don't want to be there. Parties still freak me out before I go but when I get there I am already protected. I called in my Angels, my Saints, Saint Michael to protect me. When I get in the crowd I put my white circle of protection around me by visualizing it keeping me nice and safe in my own little circle. I know I am going to be OK. I don't have to worry about anything negative touching, about feeling the overwhelming feelings that can sometimes reach out from the crowd and grab hold. 

I hope I helped you all some way, some how. If you have any questions at all you can always reach me at me email address michelinascloset@gmail.com or on this blog. Thank you and have a beautiful day.



                                                         Yes, I am Empathetic

                                              Yes, I am Empathetic,
                                               I found that it is genetic,
                                               A gift handed down to me, 
                                               From my loving Great Granny,
                                               Oh she took time to explain,
                                               So I understood my growing pain,
                                               Her guidance helped me through some rough spots,
                                               I learned how to clear my stomach of knots,
                                               How to help those in need,
                                               How to listen when they plead,
                                               For my help no matter where they are,
                                               How to shine my light like a star,
                                               So they can follow the glow,
                                               Find someone to talk to, where to go,
                                               And through the years I had to learn,
                                               How to be strong and stern,
                                               Not to let the negativity control,
                                               My emotions and put a toll,
                                               On my life, what my family needs,
                                               I shouldn't have to pay for my good deeds,
                                               I should be smiling and feeling the power,
                                               As I wash all negativity away in the shower,
                                               Holding onto the positive energy this will produce,
                                               Careful hold on tight do not let it loose,
                                               Allow it to set you up right,
                                               To once again shine bright,
                                               So you can be happy and care free,
                                               Like a buzzing bumble bee,
                                               Flying from flower to flower,
                                               Gathering up the energy that will empower,
                                               You to see, smell and feel,
                                               Giving you the power to deal,
                                               With everything tossed your way,
                                               So you can smile all through the day!

To Be Continued.......