I love to sit with my family and friends enjoying their company. I find when I do that on a regular basis I become whole again. I often talk about my life with my Great Grandmother and all the wonderful things she has taught me over the years I was blessed with knowing her. She was a big influence in my life. I was blessed to have had her for so long.
Today I want to talk about grief. When you lose someone you love what you go through. Within the past year I have lost my father who was a big part of my world. Perhaps the last string to feeling I was part of a bigger picture. Oh I have my children whom I love dearly but my father was what was holding me together for a long time. Now that string has stretched to the other world and I will admit there are times my friends I feel so lost and alone even in a room full of people. He was and still is my heart.
There are five stages of grief so lets go over them. The first is Denial. When we lose someone we love those of us left behind are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb and there is no rule to how long this feeling will last. We often wonder if or how we can go on or why we should. We get up in the morning and try to find a way to get through the day sometimes pulling ourselves out of bed and forcing ourselves to work. Just going through the motions. This first stage is essential in helping us cope and pace our feelings of grief. As the days go on and we start accepting the loss then you start asking questions. This is the beginning of the healing process. Each day your grow stronger and the denial fades away but the grief process has just begun and all those feelings you pushed away, all that denial comes to the surface.
Next stage Anger! You are saying to yourself you have nothing to be angry about but again this is a necessary part of healing after the loss of a loved one. You need to be willing to feel your anger. There were days I thought my anger would never end. I snapped at everyone including those I love the most, especially those I love the most. I was also angry with my father as stupid as that may seem. Yes I told him to go and be with my mother but there was a part of me that was angry because he listened and left me here. I felt abandoned, alone. Another biggie is my anger with God because he took my father of 84 years away from me. There was no rationalizing with myself that Papa was suffering and it was best for him. Not at this point.
It hurt, I felt deserted, abandoned, and scared. This is all normal. Grief makes you feel as if you have been swallowed up by the sea just floating out there drowning and on one is throwing you a life raft.You don't feel connected to anything or anyone not even those you love because it is better to keep your distance and not get hurt again, never feel this pain again.The anger is something to hold onto making us feel something is better than feeling nothing at all or so we think as we grab onto the anger for strength and structure.
Next step is Bargaining: I began my barraging with God long before Papa passed. I asked him to help heal my father, not let him forget who I was, to keep him happy and smiling so I can always see the delight in his eyes. I promised to be a better daughter if he would just give my father a better quality of life and allow him to be happy here with us. Once he was gone however my bargaining took a different approach. I begged to wake up from this nightmare. I asked God if I am the best person I can be can he please bring him back to me, make me wake up from this nightmare but we all know logically this is not going to happen.
I questioned everything and anything I did for my father. I asked myself what if I quit my job and stayed home with him all the time. I said things like, "if only I didn't need the aids to help me then maybe he would still be here." "What if" and "If only" were the only two ways I started my thoughts where my father was concerned. I still question and wonder if I hurt him in anyway. There are days my guilt is so overwhelming I cry for hours. I blame myself because I wasn't strong enough to lift him and care for him. I also blame myself because I wasn't his son and he wouldn't let me change him or clean him up. If only I was then he wouldn't have needed an aid. Things like What if he felt abandoned by me because he had an aid to care for him instead of me.
I am still bouncing back and forth between these stages. But that is normal. There is no rule to grief folks you just have to let it take it's course. I can go days without even thinking about this and then all of a sudden I am deeply depressed and questioning once again,
Next stage Depression. Once you start focusing on the here and now, the present you start to feeling empty. This feeling for me feels as if it will last forever but I do know there is a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel. The important thing is to know this is not a mental illness it is your grief talking to you. We withdrawal from life, indulge in the sadness deep in our souls, we wonder, think perhaps this or that, and even think is there any reason to go on alone? People often say we need to snap out of it and get on with our lives. But depression is a normal part of grief and no one can tell you how long it will last or should last as each person is different in their own grief.
You have to be ready to face it. If you did not experience depression after you lose someone you love would be unusual. When realization sets in that this person you love from deep inside your soul is not coming back no matter what you say, what you promise, how you bargain it is only normal depression sets in. This is part of the healing process.
Next step Acceptance: Just because you have come to accept the lose doesn't mean all is ok with it. You may never feel OK with the loss of the one you love. Acceptance isn't about being alright with losing someone you love it's about accepting the reality of it all. Accepting the fact that this person will never physically be here again, they are gone and your world has changed. Its not what we wanted in our lives but it is what we will learn to accept and move on in time. It is what we must learn to live with in order to go on. You will still miss that person in your life, miss seeing them, being with them. The past has been changed forever and we must find a way to accept the present. Even roles in the family are reorganized in order for everyone to gel together and continue to be the family they always were.
We find ourselves having more good days and less bad ones but we also find ourselves feeling as if we are betraying the ones we lost because we are moving on with our lives. Falling in love, enjoying life, beginning to breath again is not a crime you are not betraying anyone. It is what those we lost would want for us. They know they will never be replaced but they also know we need to make new connections, relationships need to grow and we need to experience life. No more denying our feelings and wallowing in self pity. We need to listen to our inner voice, make changes, grow and evolve. Start getting involved in our lives again and noticing what is going on around you, your family, and friends. Find a way to begin to live again. This all takes time and we have to give grief it's time to heal. No one can put a time schedule to it since your grief is your own and that makes it unique in itself.
For me lately I am finding surrounding myself with family and friends as well as the man I love is making me come out of my shell. I still have days where I want to run away and hide but a good nap and new start often helps. I find exercising helps relieve the stress for me and when I take the time to dance I close my eyes, put on a good Frank Sinatra or Dean Martin song and have a dance with my father whom I know is always watching over me.
You know all you need to do is have a seat and talk to them. I spend many a time during the day reaching out to my father, mother, sister, or anyone else I lost and loved over the years. I talk to them as if they were here in the room with me and sometimes I sense they are there next to me. For those of you who know me this is one of my gifts being able to communicate with those who have past but it doesn't always happen as we wish. When I take the time to mediate and talk to them I can hear their words and I know I am not alone. I also know we all don't have this gift but if you take the time to talk to them and suddenly start to feel at ease. As if you have been hugged and this warm beautiful feeling sweeps over you then you know two things. One they heard you and are there and two you are listening and heard them as well.
Remember you don't own grief it is a part of you for a short period of time but as we work through it we learn it is not something to hold onto or life goes stale. That is not what those we love want for us. My father always told me, "Life goes on," the important thing is we have to allow it. If ever you need someone to talk to, a shoulder to lean on, a prayer to show you the way, reach out and I will be there. I am just a message away.
Letters of Love
By Toni Gamarro
Time has past but not my love for you,
Life goes on nothing else to do,
Being sad won't make it better,
In my journal I wrote you a letter,
Telling about what is going on here,
About all of us you hold so dear,
About the parties and weddings we attend,
Whats going on with your best friend,
How the family is beginning to grow,
And life again beginning to flow,
I always sign it wish you were here,
I will always love you my dear,
These letters are not meant for me to dwell,
They are written to make me well,
To help me heal and begin to mend,
So I can once again tend,
To the needs of those around me,
And once again I can see,
Life will go on,
With each new dawn,
With the light we will wake,
And a new day will break,
Beginning to see the light,
Gather my strength and might,
Know I am never alone,
Even though you don't have a phone,
All I need to do is talk,
Close my eyes and go for a walk,
Visualize you here with me,
The way it used to be,
Listen to what you have to say,
Then hug you good bye and be on my way,
Knowing you are always there for me,
I'm just not always able to see,
So if need to reach out,
All I need do is give a shout,
That's what these letters do,
They help me reach out to you.
They give me the voice that I need,
They help me heal so I can proceed,
To live my life as it was meant to be,
Just as you would want for me.
Also as I promised the next set of Essential Oils.....hmmm bet you thought I forgot!
BANANA ESSENTIAL OIL:This essential oil has the sweet fruity scent of a fresh banana. Aromatherapy Uses: Can be used as acalming scent. The sweet fruity scent can bring cheerfulness to your home. Magickal Uses: Can be used to bring sweetness to your life, to excite passion between you and your partner. Can be blended with Apple, Cherry, Strawberry, grapefruit.
BASIL ESSENTIAL OIL: Has a crisp and clean, almost perfume like smell. Aromatherapy Uses: It is said to be useful instimulating healthy hair growth and helpful relieving fatigue. Magickal Uses: Basil essential oil has many uses. Burn basil in your home toexorcize negativity. If you want to do a good deep cleansing and protect yourself and your home first sprinkle a little basil in the corner of each room of your home and then for yourself, add it to your bath water. It helps mend lovers quarrels and brings good luck and happiness to your home. It will also protect you in crowds. Can be blended with Bergamot, Geranium, Neroli, Marjoram, and Lavender. Do not use if pregnant.
BAYBERRY ESSENTIAL OIL: Has a bitter, but yet aromatic scent. Aromatherapy Uses: It helps in the treatment of cold, flu,skin infections, and is associated with brightening dispositions, and happiness. It also has been known to grow hair faster. Magickal Uses:Bayberry Essential Oil is a great oil to help bring money to your pockets and a blessing to your home. Also a great oil for Yule rituals. It blends well with most oils. Do not use if pregnant!
BERGAMOT ESSENTIAL OIL: Has basically a citrus, yet fruity and sweet aroma, with a warm spicy floral quality. AromatherapyUses: It's used to alleviate depression and helps with respiratory problems, colds and flu, PMS and SAD. Magickal Uses: Increases physical and magickal energy and increases the flow of money into your life. It can also help to ensure that you spend wisely and take advantage of offers to earn more. Can be blended with Clary Sage, Frankincense, Jasmine, Nutmeg, Orange, Rosemary, Sandalwood, Vetivert and Ylang-Ylang.
BLACK NARCISSUS ESSENTIAL OIL: Has a sweet spicy floral aroma with warm herbal notes. Aromatherapy Uses: Createscalmness, harmony, love, and peace of mind. Magickal Uses: To change your luck for the better, bring positive energies around you and goodthings into your life. Can be blended with any floral, or sweet, or spicy aroma oil.
CAMPHOR ESSENTIAL OIL: Camphor has a strong menthol scent. Aromatherapy Uses: Can be used to relieve congestion, openlungs, heightens your energy. Magical Uses: Adds power to your spell, brings harmony to your home, releases negative energy. Helps you when you are working with divination, prophetic dreams, and psychic awareness. Camphor is a substance distilled from a tree that is native to Japan and China. The essential oil comes from the root, stump and branches of this tree. Burn Camphor in the home to purify the air or clear the home of disease.
CARNATION ESSENTIAL OIL: Has a sweet spicy floral aroma with warm herbal notes. Aromatherapy Uses: Creates calmness, harmony, love, and peace of mind. Magickal Uses: It is a good offering for the Goddess. Use this oil for anointing, protection, strength, health and healing, as well as, energy, power, blessings, and consecration. It is a great oil to be used in protection spells. It can be blended with any floral, or sweet, or spicy aroma oil
CASSIA ESSENTIAL OIL: Has a warm, sweet, spicy-hot fragrance. Aromatherapy Uses: Said to assist with the alleviation offevers, colds, flu, low vitality, chills, and will also support the digestive system.Tones down stress and can help increase your concentration.Magickal Uses: Cassia is the highest form of Cinnamon. Use this oil in place of Cinnamon Essential Oil when doing spells that call for Cinnamon. Wonderful to use for meditation and defense. Use it in spells for creative work, divination, energy and power. Wear it for protection. Use it in spells for protection, success, health and healing, love, lust, money, riches, and purification. It can be blended with, Frankincense, Ginger, Nutmeg, Rosemary, Geranium, Coriander, spice, and citrus oils.
CEDARWOOD ESSENTIAL OIL: Cedarwood is not at all the scent you would expect it has a sweet, clean scent, aroma.Aromatherapy Uses: It is said to be good for treating bronchitis, cystitis, and urinary infections. Magickal Uses: Cedarwood Essential Oil is a great way to purify. The scent of cedarwood is said to enhance psychic abilities.cedarwood is good for work in purification, health and healing, luck, good fortune, happiness, banishing, releasing, exorcism, money, riches, justice, harmony, and peace. It blends well with Bergamot, Chamomile roman, Cypress, Eucalyptus, Frankincense, Grapefruit, Juniper, Lavender, Orange, Neroli, Rosemary, Sandalwood, and Ylang-Ylang.C
CHAMOMILE ESSENTIAL OIL: Has a sweetish-warm, spicy, herbaceous odor, Armotherapy Uses: It is effective as an analgesic, anti-allergenic, anti-inflammatory, antispasmodic, antibacterial, digestive, and sedative. Magickal Uses: Chamomile is a Druid sacred herb. It brings the power of the sun to your love potions, money spells, and rites of purification. When sprinkled around the house to remove hexes, curses and spells. I like the use of fresh Chamomile for such things. I often sprinkle it outside my home as well to keep away the unwanteds or if you have the room plant Chamomile outside your front and back entrance ways to your home for protection. Use Chamomile essential oil for love, luck, fortune, justice, prosperity, purification, meditation, and rest. Can be blended with Bergamot, Clary, Sage, Lavender, Geranium, Jasmine, Neroli, Patchouli, Tea Tree, Rose, Lemon, and Ylang-Ylang.
CHERRY ESSENTIAL OIL: Has a sweet and uplifting for the mind and spirit. Aromatherapy Uses: Great for memory recall. Used for sleep disorders. Female aphrodisiac and stimulant. Relaxes you in social and stressful situations. Magickal Uses:Cherry Essential Oil has long been used to attract love. It is a great oil to use for healing and creativity. When working with old recipes that call for use of blood you maysubstitute the blood with cherry juice. Can be blended with: Cinnamon, Clove, Frankincense, Ginger, Grapefruit, Juniper, Lemon, Patchouli, Jasmine, and Ylang-Ylang.
CHOCOLATE ESSENTIAL OIL: Chocolate essential oil has the sweet aroma of the cocoa bean. Aromatherapy Uses: Can be usedto reduce stress and anxiety levels, relieves depression, helps with lung congestion, diarrhea, bronchitis and infectious disease of the intestines.Magickal Uses: It can be used to open the heart chakra, help heal on emotional, phsycial, and spiritual levels, can bring an emotional enhancement in pleasure during sexual activities. Can be blended with Sandalwood, rose, peppermint, Cinnamon, and vanilla.
CINNAMON ESSENTIAL OIL: Has a fresh almost minty aroma. Aromatherapy Uses: Increases alertness and helps clear thinking. Stimulates menstrual flow in women, and is a male aphrodisiac and stimulant. Helps alertness and concentration. Magickal Uses: The essential oil for Cinnamon is distilled from the leaves and trees. A great oil to use for meditation, defense work, creativity, divination, energy, power, protection, success, healing and health, love, lust, money, and riches. Can be blended with Clove, Nutmeg, Ylang-Ylang, Orange, Lemon, Grapefruit, Bergamot, Frankincense, Lemongrass, and Patchouli.
CITRONELLA ESSENTIAL OIL: Has a well rounded lemon citrus scent, though it is much softer than actual Lemon. It also has subtle wood tones. Aromatherapy Uses: It is an antiseptic, tonic and stimulant. Magickal Uses: Citronella Essential Oil is used in magickal spells to deter anything. On the flip side Citronella brings friends to the home and customers to a place of business. Can be blended with Bergamot, Orange, Cedarwood, Lemon, Lavender, and Pine. Do not use if pregnant!
CLOVE ESSENTIAL OIL:Has a strong and spicy scent. Aromatherapy Uses:It can be useful in treating bronchitis and dizziness, depression, and memory loss. Magickal Uses: Clove Essential Oil is distilled from the leaves and flower buds. Clove can be used for divination, love, lust, banishing, releasing, inspiration, and wisdom. Can also be used for purification, to ward off negative thoughts and stop others from talking about you. Can be blended with other spice oils including Cinnamon, Nutmeg, Grapefruit, Peppermint, and Rosemary. Do not use if pregnant!
COCONUT ESSENTIAL OIL: This essential oil has sweet fresh fruity aroma. Aromatherapy Uses: Can help heal skin irritations, encourages healthier skin, antibacterial, antiviral, thought to stimulate hair growth. Magickal Uses: Coconut Essential Oil is a great oil to be used in anointing a candle for fast luck, purification, and protection. Can be blended with Heliotrope, Cherry, Banana, Rose of Sharon.
COFFEE ESSENTIAL OIL: Coffee essential oil is strong, rich, aroma of fresh brewed coffee. Aromatherapy Uses:This essential oil is for those who enjoy the aroma of coffee without the side effects of caffeine. Have a craving for a hot cup of coffee then set this essential oil in an oil burner heart it up with a tealight candle and enjoy the fresh brewed scent. Magickal Uses: Can be used in spells for healing, opening your mind, opening the road for better things to come, bringing in business. Can be blended with hazel nut, Vanilla, Chocolate, Almond.
CORIANDER ESSENTIAL OIL: Coriander essential oil is a sweet, spicy, and slightly fruity aroma. This scent is warm, as well as, welcoming and relaxing. Aromatherapy Uses: Coriander can be helpful in stimulating appetite, ease indigestion, and relieving neuralgia. It is known to be an antispasmodic and anti inflammatory. A great addition to rubs that are used for aching muscles, anti-flu blends, as an anti-bacterial. Magickal Uses: Can be used in spells assoicated with healing and love. Also good for energy, uplifting, aphrodisiac, connecting with your you creative side. Can also be used to treat arthritis, colic, fatigue, gout, nausea, and rheumatism. Can be blended with Cypress, Frankincense, Jasmine, Juniper, Sandalwood, Pine.
CYPRESS ESSENTIAL OIL: Has a fresh, woody and pine like aroma. Aromatherapy uses: It has antiseptic qualities and may beuseful in soothing nervous tension, sadness, and sinus congestion. Magickal Uses: Use Cypress Essential Oil for astral projection, blessing, comfort, consecration, healing, protection, purification, happiness, harmony, and peace. Can be blended with Bergamot, Juniper, Lavender, Lemon, Pine, Rosemary, and Sandalwood. Do not use if pregnant!
To be Continued,.............................
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